you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize