Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
