I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The adults are the big ones right?
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