Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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