I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
