It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
