He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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