my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
