Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
