i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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