while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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