I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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