I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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