We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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