i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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