i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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