Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
