I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
