well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize