Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Welp...herpes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
