Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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