I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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