foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
