I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
