I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
