NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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