I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he was CRYING into my vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
