i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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