I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
