You're completely useless in the revolution.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
