$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
