He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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