She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
