Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
