I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Congratulations! We have a period
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