I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
