I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
