i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize