i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
