you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize