Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
