I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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