I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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