Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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