Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When are your genitals available?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
