Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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