Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
