If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
