I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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