Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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