dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
don't judge my taste in strippers
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
