Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
