you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
there is puke in my bra ... again
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