U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
