Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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