I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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