she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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